Brutality grows from economy
2002-05-16 || 5:08 p.m.

Well the weather's been lovely here today and I'm wearing a summer dress and my Caterpillar sandals.

I actually feel quite serene and contented which is a bit strange. I feel like its been a lovely week but actually its been anything but. Some pretty horrid things have happened this week. Let me fill you in.

On Wednesday morning I got up and went in the shower. Dylan, being a very devoted dog always follows me in and sits waiting until I finish. Well, yesterday morning he didn't appear - for ages. He finally came in and I didn't really think anything of it. Then we went into the kitchen. It was then I noticed he was limping. He could not put his front left paw down at all. This was odd because he'd been fine when I'd gone to bed on Tuesday evening. Well I had to go to school and ask Maria if I could take some time off that afternoon to take him to the vet. I made sure that I asked her in front of a room full of people, which is something that we've all learnt to do. She made a face and said, "I suppose so". About as good as it gets. Well, when I rang the vets I decided to take Mango (the rabbit) as well. Now we come onto my second animal crisis this week.

On Sunday I noticed that Mango seemed to be losing her fur down her sides. A few days earlier she had a small bald patch but I thought that was still from when Tulip attacked her a couple of weeks back. Anyway by Tuesday evening it was getting far worse and I originally made an appointment to see the vet on Thursday evening. So when Dylan seemed injured as well I thought I'd take them in as a job lot.

So, on Wednesday afternoon I find out that firstly Dylan's injury is one of the rather embarrassing genre. He had a dreadlock (he is SO hairy) that was pressing into his pad. How embarrassing! That just says I can't use a comb properly!

Then I find out that Mango has caught mites from the bedding I've been using. So now she has to have an injection once a week for the next three weeks.

These two things cost me �37.

So really it all turned out well as far as the animals are concerned.

But on Tuesday evening things got a bit hairy for me.

Alain was round to look after Rebecca because I had planned to go out with Lindsay, Phil and David. I was cooking dinner and I knocked my garlic tablets down the back of the kitchen unit. I called to him in the front room and asked if he could help me out by taking the front of the unit off and reaching under for them. I was cooking and its dirty under there. He got really aggressive and shouted at me, "why do you always need help, why can't you do anything yourself?" I was pretty riled at this and said, "well, if you're not going to help me then you can forget all about my help from now on and that includes all the money I give you every month." (Alain has a drug habit and has terrible problems with money etc which has led to me giving him a quarter of my pay every month to help him out because, after all, he is Rebecca's father and he may be a loser but ...that's just my opinion after all)

Anyway he then turned on me and punched me in the side. I ran and he chased me down the kitchen caught hold of my hair pulled my head back and punched me in the face. He pushed me to the floor and was shouting in my face. Rebecca picked up the phone and he then ran out into the front room asking her what she was doing. She said she was phoning for help and he took the phone off her.

It was all rather horrid and shameful and I felt so, so stupid.

This violence and drug abuse is the reason we split up in the first place. Five years ago this July he tried to kill me. It was a year later before I began to think about splitting up and not until January last year that I finally locked him out. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't because I still loved him, it was because I was scared. Scared of him. Scared of being alone. And guilty about depriving Rebecca of her father. Also, I felt bad for him. For his drug problems. For his aggression problems. For his low self-esteen and I didn't want to take his daughter away from him.

So I think I had quite a lucky escape this week. I feel quite calm about it all. But I know one day he will kill me.

I know that for certain.