i have taken the moon, i have taken the sun from me, i have put that darkness over my life.
2003-08-30 || 10:56 a.m.

So this is the second entry I was going to write yesterday but I was just too tired.

The feeling that there is a thick glass wall, almost like a sphere, all around me, separating me from everyone else is strongest when I'm in my bedroom.

My bedroom and the way it is, speaks of my past, my present and my future. It's such an amazingly strong symbol and makes me feel so sick, that often I cannot sleep in there at all because I just cannot bear to go in there.

There are bare plaster walls. Alain laughed a couple of years back and said he would never decorate it, he didn't want to be there anyway. One of the wardrobe doors came off and it is now leaning against the wall. Again, Alain refused to do anything about it - he said I was a stupid cow. He took the curtain rail down and threw the curtains away so now I have an old 1970's blanket hanging from two nails. When Alain was still here he would unhook it to let light in and then when I wanted to go to bed he would refuse to come up and put it back, and I couldn't reach.

And he refused to come upstairs anyway, because upstairs was where I was. He would stay downstairs looking at porn on the internet and TV. Porn that would pop up when Bex turned the computer on - adverts for children and animals. And inside me everything just shrivelled up and died and outside me I just was forever unhappy.

And so I don't like being in my bedroom and I can't sleep at night.

But I'm getting off the point.

The other evening Bex said to me that she did not want to ever be like me. I'm glad she sees that I am wrong and it is not human to end up like this but I know I am a failure as a parent because I know children should learn by positive example, not by negative. I never realised how like my mum I was, although in a completely different way. What I mean is, that I vividly remember being eight (and I know I've written about this before) and laying in bed and making a definite decision to be a totally different kind of mother. To never say 'because I say so'. Fuck, how I hate that. To never hit. To never bully or ridicule. Because that was what was done to me so I based my decisions on the opposite. Bex is looking at me and thinking 'I don't want to be a sad, pathetic shell of a person' and so she is basing her decisions on the opposite too. And I'm glad for her, but I would have much rather she was deciding to be happy because she looked at her mother and thought 'I want to be vibrant, confident and happy just like my mum'.

And she said something else to me, and this is the main point of my entry. She said to me that the reason I don't have any friends is because people don't want to know unhappy people. Well I know its too late for me to make friends now, but I can see the wisdom in her words. And so this is what I am going to do (and this is a big, major decision).

I am never going to think of myself again. I am not going to complain to anyone about anything ever. I am never going to wish to be happy again or moan that I'm not or make any plans for me. Probably I will mention it here and probably I will mention it in my other place too because of the great sadness I feel about one particular thing. The only people who will know I am sad are people who read this. The world that I fleetingly pass by for the rest of my life will never guess.

So my priorities are: Bex, the animals, the children at school and all other humans who have any contact with me. Everything I do and say will be done to make them happy.

My thoughts will always be mine though.

And so in my dreams I will swim far out to sea. I will tie all my desires to bricks and drop them in the deepest, darkest part of the ocean. And they will never surface again. When I smile, my eyes will have my sad ocean in them but no-one will notice because they will never look closely enough.

And in my dreams I am going to go to a small white house in connemara and layered in a suitcase inbetween my clothes I will take out candles and tea lights. I will place them all around the room, on every surface and then I will light them. And I could pretend that someone would want to be there with me, watching the play of light and dark on the walls and maybe they will see the ocean sadness in my eyes and want to take it away.

Or maybe all that will already be tied to a brick and at the bottom of the sea.