92 days
2003-08-29 || 8:53 a.m.

There are some things I would really like to happen.

1. I'd like to have sex again. Not just any old kind of sex but the kind of sex that makes you want to cry. The kind of sex that makes you glad to be alive. Hmmm. Not that I've ever had that kind of sex actually. It probably doesn't even exist. I really wouldn't know, probably its just part of the stupid thoughts in my stupid mind but jesus I'd like to have sex again. Its not like I can't give myself an orgasm, of course I can, but its just not the same.

Yeah, let's move swiftly on.

2. I want to go on a picnic with Dalhadru. We've talked about it so many times. What sort of place we'd go, how we'd get there, what we would eat, what we would talk about but now I don't even know if he is alive or dead. It's hard to feel in any way happy about being alive unless I know he is walking about somewhere too. And I don't know that. And so I want to go on our picnic but I'd settle for knowing he is alive and happy and I'd forego the picnic for that.

3. This is a slightly more simple one but obviously I'm about to make it far more complicated. I'd like to go to the west of Ireland again, for a holiday. To go to connemara, to walk along the atlantic coastline, to walk down to the graveyard that juts out above the ocean full of celtic cross after celtic cross. To lay right at the edge of the cliffs of moher and feel the spray hit my face. To stand in the rain that they seem to get every day. To sleep with the sound of the waves hitting the shore and to do terrible things like burn peat. In fact it would be really nice to combine number 3 with number 1 and to have a good old fuck in the connemara bog. And so that's where it get complicated because really it would make me sad to go somewhere so beautiful and somewhere that I love so much, to go there alone. I just cannot imagine anything much nicer than persuading someone to take all their clothes off with me and just to lie down in that beautiful place and feel real.

4. I'd quite like to go to the seaside and I guess I could do that alone without it bothering me too much.

And so even if I had 9,200 days, my money would go on only number 4 being possible.