anti-god
2003-07-06 || 10:52 p.m.

I am so very tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. Every night I have strange dreams that disappear but leave some odd impression that I should remember them. But I can't.

I want to be dead. I want to be dead more than anyone can imagine. Its not fair that other people should die and I should still live. Not when they would want to live.

Some people believe in guardian angels. I sent all mine away.

Everything is crumbling around me. All day I have been an outside with no inside.

A woman who works with me gave me a kiss goodbye when she left today and said I looked beautiful. But I don't and I'm not.

My head feels permanently heavy. As if every day a bit more of me is knocked away. I feel so utterly despondent. There are words that need to go places but they are just hiding.