For sure Jesus doesn't want me for a sun beam and I'm pretty sure there's no sun where I'm going...
2003-05-18 || 3:20 p.m.

I have lots of things to finish up with here.

Rebecca wanted eggy bread for lunch so I took the eggs out of the 'fridge and I had half an hour to kill whilst I waited for them to achieve that optimum cooking element (!) so I went upstairs and played Nirvana and as I was listening to the 'Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam' song I started to think. First of all I thought about how all this Christianity and some people being saved stuff is just shit because we are all humans and all made of the same stuff and some of us are not sunbeams but that doesn't mean we are any less God. Somehow it all fits together that we are all God, not matter how dark some of us are. Then I started thinking about good and evil or even right and wrong and how do we know? Is there such a thing really? I don't know and then when I think things like that I get scared at how easy it might be to be amoral but really I couldn't be because it seems to be innate that I feel bad about some things and good about others but maybe it is conditioning that is so good that I don't realise at all.

And then I wanted to say something about the Israeli transexual singer Dana International because she was on TV last night and I caught some of the programme after I stopped watching a film and there was just one thing that someone said that I didn't like at all. It was some orthodox Jewish guy and he said he was ashamed of Israel exporting 'evil' like that. And all I could think was 'how can you speak of another human being in those terms?'

And actually this was my earlier entry.

This is my real entry now:

And so now to my real entry for this second part of the day.

I have a huge, huge problem. I have to deal with something that I cannot deal with yet. But I know I have to. Everything has gone wrong and I have to face the most awful conclusion of how to deal with it. There is only one way out. Its the silliest thing. All over the world people get ill, or find themselves debilitated and they have loved ones who care, who will miss them and love them and its just not fair. And here I am knowing I have to die but not being able to find the courage for it. Why? Why can't I find the courage? Everything will work out then, things will work out for Alain. He can have everything and there won't be these confusing solicitors letters anymore. He came round and I don't understand what he was talking about but I'm sure things are going wrong and I will find I was okay at the moment and things will very soon be so much worse. I have to find the courage for what is the only sensible, logical conclusion. And I could keep listing the reasons why its the only sensible thing until the cows come home and go out again but its best for Alain, for Bex and me not bothering people with my stupid needs is best for the whole of humanity.