fevers and mirrors
2003-05-18 || 10:02 a.m.

I'd like to write an entry but its hard to think of anything at all to write about these days.

I keep having odd dreams. I especially keep dreaming about my nose ring. In my dreams I'm always accidentally pulling it out and then sometimes I find it and put it back in easily and other times I can't find it at all. Last night I dreamt it just wasn't there. So I got my spare ones but they had become totally too giant so in the end I made a nose ring out of a paper clip. I also keep dreaming about sex but there's no prizes for guessing the reason for that; its the dream of a distant memory of something I will never participate in again. Which is all well and good for the rest of humanity.

I feel strangely depressed today. I feel like I wish I could just lay down on the floor and then just float and float and keep going until I'm not even a speck in the sky anymore. I want to cast all these difficulties off. I want for everything in my life to not be a worry.

Isn't that funny! Its like everything in my life is a worry.

I bought a dog because I love animals and my last dog died and I missed him and wanted to give that love to another dog again. And now he needs major surgery.

Bex is the most beautiful daughter in the world but she is unhappy because of me and she has reached an age where she's started drinking and it worries me that now I have to hope she doesn't get too drunk, or start to smoke or take drugs.

I have a roof over my head but it is very tenuous because I once had a partner and now he wants the house sold and half of everything and there is no way on earth, on my wages, I can afford another place. I've been living here for 14 years. The mortgage is quite small but even so it is still a third of my wages every month. Property, like mine, (which is the smallest house you can buy - really tiny and very run down) would still cost me at least �120,000 and I earn �17,000. It doesn't take a genuis to work out, with mortgage rates at three times your wage, I haven't a hope in hell of a roof over my head.

And then there's my job. I'm very lucky to have a job, I do know that. Once when I worked lots of part-time jobs I was made redundant from the main one. It was awful. It took me 18 months to find another decent part-time job and I began to feel very worthless indeed. So I do know I am lucky to be earning but oh how crap I am at it and I am scared of the day they find out. Because they will, once those inspectors come in. And so I'll just stick to burying my head in the sand and hoping it will go away.

And then I meet someone who I could really want to spend time with. Someone who I just get on with in a way that is very special and doesn't translate into words. And they have hideous problems too and its one of the reasons why we understand each other so very well. And its not like I can walk down the road and knock on his door and we can have a cup of tea together. Its not like that at all. Its difficult to keep in touch, it requires effort. But that's okay. I understand that the most important things take a lot of time, effort, care and understanding. I wouldn't expect it to be anything less than that really. But it would be easier to accept if I could be the one with all the problems and his life could be somewhat easier for him.

And so I wonder what the point of all these circumstances is and I wonder why I am bothering to continue to live this life. Because everywhere I turn is a dead end. It looks like there's a way ahead but it turns out to just be a mirror that I crash straight into to. And it hurts and I feel foolish.