and I watch it all take the light from me
2003-05-12 || 5:24 p.m.

I've been having these terrible dreams. Really awful. Actually I have a dream diary here on diaryland, its pretty uninteresting stuff and anyone that wants the URL is welcome to it - just ask, but these dreams - well I'm too ashamed to write them down there. I'm ashamed that I am dreaming them and I have no fucking clue whatsoever why I am dreaming them. But I wish that I wasn't.

So, now I hate myself when I am both waking and asleep.

Great.

I would say that I feel like everything is caving in on me and I'm fighting against it, but actually it feels like it already did cave in, it crushed me totally and now I am disembodied, translucent, fragile, unable to communicate with anyone human, caught between death and life.

I feel so very sad.

What the fuck am I going to do?

The alternatives pass through my head daily. I leave to walk to work. I contemplate jumping in front of a lorry, jumping in front of a train, running in the path of a speeding car. But I can't. I can't fuck with someone else's life. I'd blow my brains out with a gun but I live in the UK and we cannot get guns easily here. Plus I'd not have a clue how to use it. I cannot cut myself or poison myself in some way - I'd have time to think and I would run screaming for help. I just know that I would. I suppose what I should ask is why I would go screaming for help if I want to die so much. And so it all becomes very complicated indeed.

And here's a strange thing!

I've had all these messages over the years of my utter worthlessness. Lots of them. A mother that treated me like crap - how did I deal with it? Well, when I was a kid I argued, or became so quiet you would not know I was there. I read. I daydreamed. I daydreamed for hours and hours and then some more hours on end. I can still recall all of those daydreaming epics, I could relive them again if I so wished, but you outgrow them. They become memories that have a place in the past. Then when I was a teenager I was pretty typically rebellious but late! I was a late rebellious developer! Then as an adult I stewed over it for years until one day I told her. And then I became understanding and now I try really hard to understand and I have forgiven her totally. Really.

And so there was Alain. How did I deal with that. Ignored it when I was blindly in love with him. Accepted him being nice as a bonus! Fuck! a bonus! Jesus, if someone loves you it should be normal that they are nice to you and strange if they are not, not normal for them to insult you and strange for them to be nice to you. I both tried and I didn't try. I thought I had made my bed so I had to lie in it but then again I would argue and be angry and dissatisfied and expect more. I would argue with him even though I knew that he would hit me, then I would try to placate him and then agree with him. I dare say all that is totally typical in domestic violence situations. I basically gave him as wide a berth as I could. And now he has gone and his one ambition in life to destroy me is near to being realised.

And so I see more into other situations. If someone flirts with me I believe they really like me. There's no need to go into the Ben story again but that is what happened there. He was playing I was stupid.

There's no point in going over this old ground again and again but I hurt everyday and I clearly have a need to bore the world with it. Its not like I need to write it down in order to understand it or make sense of it. I understand it and it all makes perfect sense.

And here's another strange thing!

I have this infinite capacity to pretend to be a nice person. My last class have a real soft spot for me and often come to visit me. Today three of the boys came to show me their wrestling photos. I am so kind to the kids. They give me cuddles and tell me I am too soft! But yet they learn! And that is what I am there for after all, to teach so they learn.

How can I be so utterly foul yet wear this mask of kind decency?

And why can't I write down what I really want to say? That there is someone out there in this big world that I care a great deal for, that I worry so much for and whose loss from my life hurts really badly. I can't write it down because I don't know how to begin to explain it.