if there is a perfect spring that's waiting somewhere just take me there
2003-05-12 || 9:27 p.m.

Its been raining steadily all day. I just took the dog for his evening walk and the sky was so grey. Its enough to give you a headache just looking at it. My bathroom and back bedroom are leaking but I cannot stand putting pots underneath the leaks, the torture of that sound is just too great.

So its good old Catholic confession time. Actually I feel really bad about this.

Maria is going for her operation tomorrow to remove her gall bladder. I looked out of my classroom window this evening at about 5 o'clock to see if her car was still there because I was going to go and find her and wish her well etc. Anyway, her car was not where it is usually parked so I assumed she had gone home. So me and Bex got our stuff together and went downstairs and I went to the loo and we let ourselves out of the school. Well fuck me if it wasn't her car parked right by the front door; so close to the building that I couldn't see it from my window. But I didn't go back. I just carried on home. I should have gone back in and found her and wished her well. I think that is a pretty awful thing that I've done.

And so I was thinking about my earlier entry and you know, I quite like all the day to day stuff really. I like to cook and clean and make lunches and breakfast and look after Bex and walk the dog and look after the rabbits and guinea pig. I'm not keen on working full time, I'd prefer to work part-time with all that house stuff to do too but I can cope with it. But I finally worked out why I feel so damn bad and why I hate my life so much: It's because I have no-one to come home to in the evening. No-one to lean up against and ask them how their day has been. No-one to smile at, to catch their eye, to care for in that way that I need to care for someone. And I never will, and that is what makes me so sad.

Silly, silly cow.