seascape
2003-05-11 || 2:20 p.m.

Oh the devil will make work for idle hands to do
I stole and then I lied just because you asked me to
but now you know the truth about me, you won't see me anymore
but I'm still fond of you, ahaha ...
What difference does it make?

I sat on the sofa and looked around my room and I thought how easily it could all dissolve into nothingness. None of this means anything at all.

I thought about a time when I was happy, because there was a time.

It wasn't when I was a child but it begins when I was a child.

All I ever wanted was to have children. Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up all I ever said was to get married and have children. So you can imagine I was very happy when I had Rebecca. I think back now to that time and it was just so wonderful. I had such a sense of purpose. I had all these plans. More children obviously. To bring them up vegetarian, caring, thinking of our planet and others. I wanted to aim towards as much self-sufficiency as possible and I thought I was with someone who wanted those things too, because at the time THEY SAID THAT THEY DID.

But like many, it was all lies. They never meant it. And it evaporated as if it had never been.

And sometimes there's a smell of the past in the air and the warmth of the happiness of those times is just briefly in my mind. And of course its a pretty bittersweet memory.

And then I wonder what the future holds because it seems to me that it stretches ahead like a long deserted beach and I'm looking and looking but there is no-one there at all, no matter how much I peer into the distance.

And that long loneliness is the hardest thing in the world to bear and it is the reason why I just want to walk into the sea and keep walking until the water is above my head, filling my mouth and lungs, a strong current grips my feet pulling them out from under me and I have no desire to fight anymore.

And then I'll find you waiting for me just like you promised a few weeks ago, because you can be here and there too, I understand that.