totally fed up
2003-04-20 || 6:27 p.m.

I wish I lived in a world where everyone had a picnic on midsummer's day. I'm tired of this world actually. I'm tired of everyone being mean all the time. I just don't get it.

Today I was sitting in my parent's conservatory and my dad had gone out to cut me some rhubarb. I just felt like it was Seven Little Australians reversed. It was sunny and the grass was green and the trees were blowing and Judy standing in the middle of the field holding the scythe has always been etched on my memory. But instead of Judy's dad looking outside remembering, I felt like I was Judy looking and remembering my dad. Then I got really sad because I know that one day, that will be what I will be doing: remembering my dad and I just don't want it to be yet.

And I feel so fucking stupid because everything hurts me so much and really I should have no feelings whatsoever and I wish I didn't because I truly hate being me.

And I'm feeling so damn suicidal today because I can truly see all there is to despise about me. And it hurts. And its insulting to anyone, ever, that I would like them in any way.