bring on the breakdown
2003-04-08 || 4:19 p.m.

I didn't write anything yesterday because I was having a really bad day and it just would have been a stream of vitriol or worse, a stream of self-pity, so I thought I'd protect the world from yet more of my stupid woe.

I gave Helen her birthday present today. I was feeling a bit embarrassed about it, because yesterday it suddenly didn't seem such a good idea after all. I thought it seemed cheap and awful. Rebecca kept reassuring me that presents mean more if they are thought about and I know that is true but even so second hand, second hand books seemed cheap. Well, after all that, Helen was absolutely delighted and really pleased and it was definitely genuine. So I'm glad about that. The only thing I want to be in the world is a decent, kind person because I know I'll never be a happy person.

My day was okay yesterday until after school. It is freezing cold here and very windy. I was cleaning all the animals out in that. The poo kept blowing onto me and I was wearing so much straw. It was stupid little things getting me down like I was wearing my big German parka because it is so cold and it is bulky and I am small and I forget how much space I take up when I'm wearing it and so I turned around and knocked over the flower pot with the pegs in and they landed in a load of straw and poo. Alain had a go at me about Rebecca not eating and all the time it is 'what is going on in that house' as if somehow I cause it and if he was looking after her it wouldn't be like that at all. The dog had diarrhoa and of course I stepped in it, as you would. I rang Alain and asked him to feed her when he took her out last night and he didn't and so she hadn't eaten all day when she got in at 9.30. I did have a really funny dream last night though, it must have been a comfort dream. I dreamt that someone wanted to go out with me and I wanted to see them too and I was really pleased and excited and getting ready. How stupid.

They put the photos up on the board at school today. I have a REALLY tragic goth photo. It is so cool. I was wearing all black the day they took it and I didn't know they were taking it anyway and I hadn't even washed my hair that morning. Helen was so sweet, she asked if we could be put next to each other on the board but they said 'no'.