bite me
2003-03-22 || 8:30 a.m.

This is the entry I wanted to make last night, but I couldn't because diaryland was down for too long. So I wrote it in word instead and saved it. I don't know why - it's not really important.

I just deleted the two entries I wrote today. I don�t really know why, they just didn�t seem to say anything that I wanted to say. I don�t think it helps that I�ve had a headache for about 15 hours now and everything has seemed foggy and it�s been hard to think straight.

I feel full and empty at the same time. I keep crying. I�m really tired. I want to sleep. I want to stop spinning and moving and just hang suspended for a while, watching. I want to feel like other people do. I want to have sex and then be held close. I just really want my dreams to be real. I want to be special. I want to think I matter and not mind taking up space. I want to lie in the sun and swim in the sea and I want to sleep and wake up again. I want to be licked and bitten and I want to lick and bite back. I want to die listening to music.

And this is today's entry: I don't have a headache anymore because it is the next day and I have just got up. I did, however, have really strange dreams again last night. Totally odd, mixed up. Trying to place them in any chronological order is impossible because it was like I dreamt them all at once.

I dreamt I was working at my old primary school and the whole school were having a school photo but they had dressed up so they looked like the front of 'Sergeant Pepper' by the Beatles. I was walking through the hall and I started to cry because I thought about how the Beatles were still together when I was born and how my parents probably listened to that album because my dad does have Beatles albums and I felt so sad for everything being in the past. I walked up the side corridor and I thought how funny it was that I had achieved being a teacher because it was way back when I was 8 that I decided I would be a teacher because I liked my teacher, Miss Allison, so much. Then I thought about how it was the only thing I ever would achieve and I started crying again.

Next I was back with my class and I asked them if they wanted to watch the end of the Tudor video. They cheered and we got ready. The classroom door was open, it went all quiet and suddenly we heard the sound of a hymn playing from Year 6, but it was like a Muzak style version. Some of the kids started to snigger and I started to laugh and in the end we were all laughing so much we had to shut the door.

Then I dreamt I was with my mum and she reminded me of when I was 6 and I was ill. It was funny because it was like I was remembering and she was articulating it. I thought about how a doctor came to see me but wanted to see me alone. I wondered why this was. I remembered I had made lots and lots of paper dolls and the doctor held them wrong and hurt them. I decided to give the doctor and the paper dolls a quiz but all the answers had to begin with the letter 'E'. The main answer was 'elephant' and me and my mum both laughed as we remembered this.

In my dream this was a memory but I really don't remember this ever happening but I did have a paper doll I was quite attached to at that age. I remember it, because I'd used split pins so his joints would move.

Then I dreamt about someone who is alone and I dreamt they said 'actually girls are beginning to interest me, they are actually quite nice. There's one that I really like.' And I just didn't know what was going to happen next.