let the funeral start
2003-03-19 || 6:43 a.m.

Strange things are happening to me. Either that, or I am going mad.

I have boxers for underwear. I have three pairs of what are called 'boy shorts' from M&S and 2 pairs of girls' boxers from Wilkinsons. When I washed them all the other day one pair of my shorts were missing. I thought it was really odd and I looked everywhere but they were nowhere to be seen. This was on Sunday. Yesterday I gave the front room a good tidy up and re-did the throw on the sofa. Last night I went to bed last.

This morning I came downstairs to find my missing pair of shorts sitting right in the middle of the sofa.

I suppose the only explanation possible is that the dog may have had them.

I went and had a shower and then I took my pyjamas upstairs and went to get a dressing gown. On the way down the stairs I thought that I would switch on the computer. As I got to the bottom of the stairs, the computer just turned itself on in front of me.

Stuff disappearing and then turning up again keeps happening to me lately, both at home and school.

I guess it must be stress. Although the only things I have to be stressed about are in my mind.

I'm fucking angry that those people, who a few years ago were in opposition and would have wholeheartedly condemned war are now colluding and instigating. Why is it that all people want is power and to become part of the establishment? I was watching Panorama last night and looking at John Prescott made me really angry. When I think of the things he has got angry about with Blair, why can't he get angry about something that matters? Bastards.

What I really hate is that by my silence and inability to do anything at all about it, they have my consent.

They do not have my fucking consent.

So I went on a march - big deal. It's just not enough.

I can't eat. I'm freezing, freezing, freezing cold.

I wanna be self-sufficient. I always did want that. I don't want to be part of this system. But you can't do it alone. I want things that don't exist. I want things that are in songs and books. I'm so sure I dreamt that someone murdered me but its just out of reach. I don't want anyone to be in pain and people are going to suffer. Why can't I have all the pain and suffering? Isn't there some archetype who can take the suffering of the world onto them? Oh fucking yeah, Jesus. Well, he didn't do a very good job of it did he. Let me have a go. I'm tired of hate and war and intolerance. I'm tired of being so damn stupid. Tired of doing stupid stuff. Tired of thinking stupid things.

I'm tired of thinking about me and all the things that have gone into creating this 'me' and I'm tired of feeling bad because no-one wants this person. To me, the only thing that would give me value and meaning would be to be desired by someone else and so I will be forever worthless. Yet when I look in the mirror and I think about the things I believe and think and do, I don't think I should be worthless.