drain me
2003-03-18 || 7:33 p.m.

I don't really know what to write about tonight.

I played rugby after school and that was fun. Really it was, I enjoyed it.

Rebecca is dissecting Barbie's in front of me.

The sight of the Kurds fleeing in Iraq in fear of the pending war is heartbreaking to watch. It makes me sick to think that people just don't equate lives with war. What do they think war is? A game? It's horrible to feel powerless. Who the fuck do these leaders think they are? I'm tired of the way humans treat each other.

Which brings me onto things I have been thinking about lately. Some reminders to myself about the things that matter and the things I want to do. It's just there's so many things wrong with me it's hard to know where to start.

Argghhh. Rebecca just dribbled on my hand. Yuk. I never knew dissecting Barbies was such hard work.

Back to self-evaluation:

Be kinder and more thoughtful. I just think too much about myself and not enough about others. I just want people who are my friends to know that I truly would do anything for them. I feel so bad that people feel bad.

I don't think I want to carry on with this now, I need a cup of tea. I want sister novacalis back - I want to be lighthearted like last night.

But I can't be. Because I don't feel funny today.

I don't explain things clearly enough to the kids at school and I feel bad about that. I'm trying to do so many things because there is so damn much to fit in. I'm trying hard to provide all my special needs kids with individual education plans and to actually do it, not just have it on paper. It's fucking difficult because they all need different things. However hard I try I just cannot keep my classroom tidy and Maria hates me for that. I am just a total slob.

Oh my God, there is a pile of Barbie parts in the bath and Rebecca has covered them in red food dye.

I haven't even been bothered to wear anything shocking to work lately. I just haven't had it in me.

So - kind and kids - they are my first two reminders. Oh yeah, and slutty clothes.

My nose ring hurts from where I ripped it out in my sleep the other night. I am having the oddest dreams. The dream I had Sunday night was truly strange and also prophetic. It is years and years since I've had a dream about the next day and it has all happened just like my dream. Literally years. I'd forgotten until it happened, that it ever used to happen at all.

i just have this feeling of intense sadness and its getting stronger all the time at the moment. I want to scream really loud but I don't do stuff like that, I'm too self-contained. And so I do that stupid silent scream.

And I'm going to have to go and make dinner now, whilst we wait for the Barbies to dry.