Another piece in the catalogue-of- disaster-jigsaw that is my life
2003-03-11 || 7:34 p.m.

I have to try to write this entry calmly although I don't feel particularly like being calm at the moment.

Although I really like books and reading and I did half my degree in English, being literacy co-ordinator has been too much for me. Well, it never really started. I've just let the paperwork pile up, left it in various places. Doodled on courses. Fucking wandered around pretending I know what I'm talking about. And then of course I freaked out last week and it became common knowledge.

Too fucking common.

Someone told Maria, which, fair enough she has a right to know and she offered me science and geography. Well, 'offered' is not the right word. That was the only other alternative.

I can't do those either.

I can't do fuck all.

Really I can't.

And I tell the people I am friends with. I tell Cathy and Helen who I trust absolutely. And I tell Kylie who I don't trust and since she was shitty to Helen, I don't actually like either. But that has nothing to do with me and I try to rise above these things because its not right to think bad stuff about people, especially when I'm so lacking myself. And Kylie has problems just like everyone else. And I'm always offering to help her because I can type and she can't but she knocks me back all the time, which is something of a pattern in my life. And she suggests that she will talk to Maria about me doing history instead of geography.

She suggested it.

Not me.

And then tonight Maria comes into my room and tells me that Kylie is really upset about giving up history and it wouldn't be fair to take it away.

But it wasn't my suggestion in the first place. It was fucking hers.

I felt happy (ish) for a couple of days, thinking I could cope with science if I had a subject I genuinely liked to do too. Now I'm stuck with two subjects I know nothing about and feel really insecure on.

And I'm also stuck feeling really terrible that I don't like Kylie, I don't trust her at all and I will never, ever tell her anything ever again. Not even what I ate for dinner.

And that's what happens when you become part of management. You become two faced and untrustworthy.

Rebecca is really angry with me. She says she gives up on me because the only way I will deal with it is to bury my head in the sand and just not trust her again. Rebecca thinks I should go in and tell Maria that actually Kylie suggested talking to her about me having history. She thinks I should confront Kylie and ask her what the hell she thinks she is playing at.

But what's the point?

You know, I always think it only matters if you personally know you do things with the right motivation, it only matters if I can live with my conscience and live my life the way I believe to be right.

And I still do think that, but its really hard.

And I feel crushed by yet another awful responsibility that I will fail at.

And I feel really terribly fucking despondent.

But I feel very reassured by all this that I really truly do deserve nothing at all.