my heart is broke
2003-03-08 || 7:33 p.m.

Yesterday Alain told Rebecca that I had ruined him.

Yesterday Alain told Rebecca that I would ruin her too.

That makes me so sad, it breaks my heart. To think that I will ruin Rebecca, who I love so much.

But it's true. I will. How could it be otherwise? This is me.

And when I feel it most is when I am outside walking the dog. The beauty of the world around me is too much, there is no place for me. And I am truly thankful that, despite my wishes and desires, there will never be anyone who wants me because it would be too awful to comprehend.

A couple of weeks back someone emailed me who had stumbled across something I had written about being hideous. They greeted me as one repulsive to another. You know, the trouble with people like us is that you JUST CAN'T TELL FROM THE OUTSIDE.

And so it's good that I write this down because that way you can tell. All I can do within my hideousness is to acknowledge it and be honest about it.

And so I suppose that is why beauty and music make me cry so much, because they are so far from what I am.