these cities are illusions of some triumph over nature's laws
2003-02-16 || 1:11 p.m.

So, what I want to do is to walk and walk. Walk long and far across lots of different types of places. Alone. With nothing, not the dog, not music, just me. The way it is meant to be.

I want the wind to blow in my hair and the rain to fall on my face. The sun to warm my back. I want to walk through shady calm woods just glimpsing the sun every now and again and come out into fields with no shade. I want to concentrate on climbing up hills and have to really use my muscles to slow myself down coming downhill.

And I want to forget and having nothing in my head except the next step.

And then for afterwards I created my own hell.

First of all I was thinking about Ann J at work and how she picks on me all the time. She has this thing about the stuff I eat, particularly my vegetarianism and the small amounts blah blah. She laughs at me, calls me names. She does it in a way that seems jokey but it had a hard edge and it fucks me right off. Generally I just smile but the other day I did say to her that it was my choice and I never make a fuss around other people and I would never be rude to anyone. I think this conversation stemmed from the way I like to drink my tea which fucked her off too for some reason. But I always make my own tea so I don't know why anyone else should care.

Anyway, I was thinking I would eat anything to be polite, even stuff I don't like but I would not eat meat. Not even if it was a straight choice like 'eat this steak or die'. It would be too much, go too much against what I believe. I don't know why, but there are just some things I would never do.

Then I got to thinking that actually that would be a cool choice, so I created my own real hell.

It would go something like this:

'Eat this steak or I'll let you live'.

Fuck, what would I do if presented with these options?