there's only she and me
2003-02-16 || 4:11 p.m.

It is so cold today that it could slice right through you. It is a perfect day. Looking through the window it is impossible to tell that it is not a summer's day. The sky is blue and the sun is shining. It is amazing that a day can look other than it is. It is only by going outside that you actually really know how the day feels. You cannot tell by looking.

My sense of dislocation today is intense. When I look into the mirror a hideous beast looks back at me. Sometimes I look into the mirror and someone quite nice stares back but mostly the beast is there. And she is there today. I hate her. I hate her so much, if I could, I would rip the face from her. I hate her for the way she makes me feel. I hate her for the way she makes me want things I can never, ever have. Tenderness, caressing, kindness and love can never be part of my life and she knows it but still she makes me want these things. She is not like that summer-winter day - what she is, is obvious.

I despise her. I want her to go. I want her to never have existed in the first place. I hate her. I very nearly always have. Are there other hideous people in this perfect universe or is the universe perfect in that she-me is the only one?

I hope I am alone and yet SHE makes me want to pollute others. I want to dislocate forever and then I just won't care anymore.

I'm not mad either. I'm perfectly aware I'm making myself sound like I have a split personality. It's okay, I don't have, its just a way of writing. A way of trying to express just how totally deep and black my self-hatred is.