Fear
2003-02-16 || 10:42 a.m.

I've woken up feeling really sad this morning but I guess that's because its Sunday.

The other day someone said to me, 'gosh, your hair grows really quickly doesn't it? a couple of weeks back you had a fringe and now its grown out!'.

It's true, my hair does grow really quickly. One day I'll be a corpse and if by any chance I need to be dug up, I'll be one of those frightening ones whose hair has just kept growing and I'll have sheets and sheets of thick wavy black hair and I'll scare the living shit out of the gravedigger.

And that made me think of how, when I was a child, I was so scared of being buried alive. Because I used to read exactly what I want I can remember reading articles about brain stem death tests when I was about 7 or 8. I was really worried that I would die and they would think I was dead but I would just be in a coma and I'd be buried and then wake up to find myself shut in a coffin. I'd scratch and scratch until my finger nails were just splinters and then one day some archeological dig would dig me up and there'd be scratch marks all around the sides of my coffin and I'd be in a strange, sort of petrified position and they'd nod knowingly and discuss theories about what had happened to this poor, young girl.

It is just no wonder my mother hated me.

I was also terrified of the devil riding in to steal my soul away. I think I might have written about this before. I read some silly version of Dr Faustus when I was about 12 maybe. It kept me awake for months. It got mixed in with being worried about alien abductions too. Fuck. The devil in a spaceship. The alien abduction fear lasted for ages actually. I still get worried about it sometimes now. When I'm walking the dog, because I walk in quite lonely places I could just be assumed up by a strange unearthly metal ship and never be seen again. Just a couple of scorched footprint marks will be all that remain. And a bewildered dog walking the streets with a lead attached. He'll be found but he'll be unable to say what happened. And he would never be the same again. He'd bark at things that were not there and shiver and cower for no reason whatsoever.

But what scares me the most today is that I feel so bleak I just don't think I can carry on much longer.

And so I want to lay down and I want to hurt and I want blood to flow until I am gone.