there is no truth, there is only you and what you make the truth
2003-02-09 || 10:50 a.m.

I can smell a summer smell again. This happened last Sunday too. It's weird. In my head I keep getting the feeling that it's for a reason but of course I know it isn't - it's just my brain playing tricks on me.

Yesterday when I went to London the train smelled just like an American train. I haven't smelt that smell since I was in America. Oddness.

I was reading something interesting about lucid dreaming yesterday. I'd always assumed that when I have dreams when I am out of my body that they are real occurrences - like actualities but this article was saying that it is actually illogical to interpret them in that way. Once you start to think about it like this, it actually makes a great deal of sense. Everything else you dream, when you wake up, you know it is a dream so why interpret OBE's as reality? It makes no sense.

It reminds me of that stupid reincarnation theory that says that past life memories are genetic. If you stop to think about this for even the tiniest moment you can see what a load of crap it is. For these memories to be genetically transferred they would always have to stop at the moment of birth ie knowledge of a mother's past would stop when she gave birth to the child and the child becomes a separate individual and knowledge of the father's past would stop at conception when the sperm leaves his body. So how could anyone have a genetic death memory (apart from death in childbirth)? They clearly couldn't.

So there's only one way to prove that OBE's are real and that is to gather evidence when you are out of the body. Now, if I master this lucid dreaming that is what I will do. I will go somewhere and then remember what I saw and then check it happened in waking time because the chances of me dreaming a real happening are probably quite remote.

Yet again, I don't actually understand any of what I'm writing about, I'm just going on instinct.

Something has been preying on my mind lately and I want to write it down.

What happened in the summer has made me not want to live.

I don't want to blame anyone. If there is any blame to be attached anywhere then I would blame the way that I react to things because that is what causes the way I feel. However, the end result is still the same. It has hurt me so badly and so deeply that I cannot see any way out. The reason it hurt me so badly is because I truly believed, even amidst my madness, that someone could care for me. And because I believed it, and because it turned out not to be true, and because actually it turned out to be quite nasty in the end, I now know with all certainty that no-one could ever care for me.

The things that were done and said, stabbed me deep in my soul, tearing my blackness apart, ruining the only thing I had that was truly mine.

It's a totally normal human desire to want to be with someone. I suppose it is part of the survival instinct, although what makes us fancy certain types of people and not just everyone I'm not sure about. And so, it follows, that if that is gone, your survival instinct is gone.

I guess that years ago they used to call it dying of a broken heart.

But it's more than that. It's not just that no-one will ever want me, its how I feel about myself too and its how his words crushed me totally. His kind words that is, because HE DID NOT MEAN THEM!

I could cope with the rejection fine if the words and actions leading up to it had been meant and stayed in time as something beautiful.

And then we come to my guest book signing yesterday: Yes, I know I'm ugly thanks. Inside and out. I don't know who thought they had to leave me a cryptic reminder but gosh, it was good of you to bother. Lest I forget, eh?