Oh yeah, and then of course he'll use this diary to prove I'm mad!
2003-02-09 || 4:48 p.m.

Haha, how's this for hilarity?

I asked for a sign. A sign that there is something/someone for me. A point, a purpose, that I'm not a hopeless piece of scum. I asked for this sign quickly because I am so fast running out of hope.

Here's my sign: (!)

Alain rings. He wants to know what I'm going to do about the �600 sofa debt. (This is a boring story, but basically the sofa credit was in his name and I paid a couple of months of it after he left but I was advised by a solicitor not to because I would never actually own the sofa and to be honest on the paltry amount Alain gives me each month I just plain cannot afford to pay it. I tried to explain this to him at Christmas but he just did his 'talk all over me' bit so I gave up.)

Anyway, today he rings saying they are chasing him for the whole debt which is about �600 - what am I going to do about it? I tried to explain there is nothing I CAN do about it. I cannot afford it and I certainly cannot afford to pay the whole amount and anyway, its not my debt and I will not legally own the sofa. He said 'yes but you're sitting on it'. I agreed that was the case and yes, I think it is morally unfair. Why should I sit on something I'm not prepared to pay for but by the same token I'm paying the Next catalogue off which is over �400 exclusively of clothes for Alain but it is in my name. I said to him that I was not going on about that. He said, 'yes you are!'. I said, well yes, but only because he is being stupid about the sofa. I have no problem paying Next because it is in my name. End of story.

Anyway, he has said I either pay the �600 or he's putting the house on the market and I will be homeless.

Then I received a text message:

'If you won't speak then what can I do? Stop all maintenance or get you to sit on the floor. Or do i pop over and take everything that is half mine. Your choice.'

What exactly is my choice here?

I'm not sure.

What I do know is that it is a blinding sign.

Thanks.

Many of the people I liked have disappeared from my life.

I can't even keep a roof over my daughter's head.

I'm losing a house over a fucking sofa!

jesus.

There really is only one course of action.

I asked for a sign that would tell me whether it really was time for me to kill myself.

I think I got my answer.