I swear that I would follow anything if it would just get me out of here
2003-02-08 || 12:14 p.m.

I've woken up utterly depressed. I wish I hadn't woken up at all.

I think that more and more.

At someone's suggestion I'm working on lucid dreaming. It's terribly difficult which is not a bad thing but I'm not sure I can see the point. For me, that is.

I have this vision of myself and it depresses me so much.

Music is so strange. I wonder why some people like certain types and others, other types. Somehow I think it's tied in with who we are at this moment in time. I can't explain what I mean here but I think that maybe music is the real language.

it's perfectly okay to treat me like a piece of dirt. It's perfectly okay to not consider my feelings - ever. It's perfectly okay to say things that you don't really mean; to give me false hope, to kindle human feelings in me and then knock me down and kick me whilst I'm there. It's perfectly okay to use me. To be my friend when it suits you. To ignore me when I speak. It's perfectly okay because it means that you won't miss me when I'm gone. It's like the eradication of a disease. And it won't be long.

But mostly I just hate myself and I want all these thoughts, desires, feelings and wanky stuff to just dissipate into the ether and cease to be anything individual.