i want to feel
2003-02-02 || 3:05 p.m.

So, it's five past three on a Sunday afternoon and I'm still not depressed.

That is, despite being so reminded of him when I woke up this morning, as I wrote in my earlier entry today.

It was strange. It wasn't as if I had a dream or anything at all. I just woke up and could feel something. I don't know what. The air felt charged. I do think that sometimes it is your brain playing tricks on you. It's like your brain stores more than just visual memories doesn't it? It stores feelings and smells and, oh God, I just can't put my finger on it.

But then again, sometimes I think I have a window into something else and I don't know why. Because sometimes I just know things. And sometimes random things that don't seem connected actually are connected some time, some place. And I wonder if there is another communication level that my conscious self is not aware of.

And then, prosaically, I wondered if my lack of depression meant that somewhere I had turned a corner and managed to lose myself finally. So maybe I am ready to depart.