my life
2003-01-25 || 10:30 a.m.

I had a really nice dream. It must be me teasing myself.

Thursday evening was awful.

All week I'd been feeling sort of wistful and nostalgic; thinking about when Rebecca was small and me and Alain got on and wishing things were still like that. I'd kept thinking things were all my fault.

You know, I know that's stupid. I know that even when things were okay, they were bad too. I remember being really young - a teenager, at school and Alain saying such horrible things to me that at the moment I still can't write them down.

But even so, I kept thinking everything was my fault.

Thursday evening was parents' evening at Rebecca's school. I asked Alain if he wanted to come and he did. I rang him when we were on the bus and he met us. We got inside and he just flipped. I did nothing. Nothing at all. I had shown him the appointments, we went to the first one. There were three chairs in front of the teacher but he wouldn't sit with us. He sat behind and then he just started swearing at me, shouting what was the point of him being here, he was fucking going etc. It just came out of nowhere. I got that thing again. The thing when I don't hear what he is saying, I just sort of close everything down. All I could see was his face in mine shouting at me.

And the thing is, it was embarrassing for me, hurtful for me but the main thing is: how the fuck must Rebecca have felt?

No-one deserves people to behave like that.