Like a long-legged fly upon the stream, her mind moves upon silence
2003-01-18 || 9:51 a.m.

Gosh, I really don't like it when I wake up knackered. And, oh my God, I dreamt I wore Rebecca's pink checked pyjama bottoms out because I thought they would look cool and all they did was made me look like a children's TV presenter.

Anyway, I'm tired because I managed to get all my Literacy and Numeracy planning done last night even though I worked until 11.30pm. It seemed like a good idea to get it all out of the way, seeing as Sunday is always such a bad day for me. I've got this thing that I've got to be more conscientious at work because my job matters. It's not like I think other people's jobs don't matter, I would never say that. (Well, I might say it about some jobs in the media) but if I was able to see the whole spherical picture of life then I'd see all the connections and all the reasons why we are where we are and nothing would matter any more or any less than anything else.

However...

...my job affects the well being and whole future of people and so they deserve 100% commitment from me. And being selfish me, they haven't been getting that but no more. Like I said at the beginning of the week, I accept my hairy teacher spinster fate.

I was just thinking then, that at 10.00am I will begin my foundation subject planning but then I looked at the clock in the corner of the computer and saw that it said 9.59, so let's make that 10.10. I will begin my foundation planning at 10.10.

I think smell is greatly underestimated. I think just like our fingerprints we all have our own unique smell. When Rebecca was small I used to say that if all the people in the world were lined up and I could smell the tops of their heads, I would be able to pick her out because somewhere deep inside me, I just knew her smell. I don't know why people smother themselves in perfume. I really don't like perfume at all, although I think that's more to do with my past than anything else.

Sometimes, out of the blue, comes a smell from the past. I wonder if it is really there or if your brain constructs it in the same way it constructs memories. Spirits are meant to communicate through smells too. You know, once I thought there was an incubus in my bedroom because, suddenly, out of nowhere came a really strong smell of semen. I have to say, for the sake of clarity, that it was a very long time ago - over ten years. Even a spirit wouldn't want me.

Sometimes when I am outside I feel like I just walked into a spider web. I can feel very thin gossamer like threads across my face but when I go to get them off - there is nothing there. Someone once said to me that this is a way that spirits (allegedly) communicate, or let you know of their presence. The other day I was talking about this and I just said to Rebecca something like, 'you know when you get that feeling that a spider web is on your face, but there is nothing there...'

and she looked at me and said that she had never had that happen.

I don't understand anything at all but I'm just so sure that just like we only use about 10% of our brains, so we also only see about 10% of reality (if indeed we see that much).

I don't think I've explained that very well, but it's 10.10 now, so I've got to go.