dig me up and devour
2003-01-17 || 11:19 p.m.

People tell me all the time that I am nice this, good that, lovely the other, but it just cannot stop me from totally loathing myself. I find myself to be despicable. I find it hard to explain why I feel like that because its not like I do anything really bad. I don't torture people, I'm not cruel to animals, I try hard to be kind to everyone and do the right thing. I've made an art form out of devoting my life to doing the right thing. But even so. I hate myself.

I hate myself because those 'doing the right things' are just the surface. Its like tarting something up that is decaying inside. I can't even put my finger on exactly what it is that is foul about me. It just is. I just am. I just feel it.

I am just forever that eight year old with the long matted hair, scared to move around her own house, never being cuddled, always being moaned at, crying herself to sleep every night.

And that's why I hate myself so much.