Oh, happy day
2003-01-03 || 9:50 a.m.

Depart now - you have been warned - this is a rant.

Alain, you are a wanker. A total and utter wanker. I cannot imagine how I ever got involved with someone so lacking in depth and empathy. Thanks for the so kind and thoughtful message in my guestbook. I hope Dublin was good. Shame that when you rang your daughter at midnight on New Year's Eve you were so pissed that you wished her 'Happy Birthday'. Funnily enough her birthday is actually December 13th - oh, but I don't recall you seeing her on that day.

And then we come onto someone else who I honestly thought wasn't a wanker. Oooh, I can begin to see a pattern emerging here. This wanker was far more clever. They disguised their wankerness behind sweet words and care. I fell for it because I am dumb. They promised me lots of things, none of which are particularly important but meant a bit to me at the time. Sweet, small sentences. Their very last words to me were: This is not the end; you must believe that.

But of course it almost was.

I hurt a lot over what happened with them but in my perverse, stupid way on some days I was just glad for the chance to hurt whereas on others I was happy to mope around, remembering. Happy to leave things in the past.

And then yesterday they abused me verbally too. Accused me of things that if they had ever known me even one little bit they would know could not possibly be true. Fucking hell, accused me of sending them anonymous fucking notes. Well, you know, actually I may be many things but I'm not a fucking coward and if I wanted to say something I would sign my shitting name to it, okay. My usual response is to jump straight in accusing and regret for months afterwards. I'm not a revenge planner. I actually think revenge is wrong. Its counter to my life philosophy.

Yes, I do actually have one.

You know, you watch these things on TV where people cut up others' clothes, or trash their car, or put stuff in their food. I think all that sort of thing is WRONG. Therefore I think anonymous notes are wrong. I think abusing by IM is wrong. I think constant harrassment is wrong AND I HAVE DONE NONE OF THESE THINGS.

Fuck me, I even think shooting a burglar in your own home is wrong and not many agree with me on that one.

Revenge is what weak people do.

Strong people face the consequences of their actions.

Stupid people face the consequences of everyone's actions.

But at least they can sleep at night.

And in case anyone is not quite clear on what I say, said or am going to say. Yes I do want to die but it is not because of any one person or thing. Its not because of anyone at all actually. It's because i just have always wanted to die.

Life is crap.

There, I've said it. Nothing has ever persuaded me that this isn't the case and why the hell should it? Its not up to outside influences to persuade me of the worth of life, its up to me.

And don't you think knowing that, makes it even more awful?