I'm staring at my wrists, knowing that the time is right
2003-01-02 || 11:06 a.m.

For the past three nights I have dreamt about someone I've not dreamt about before. I thought it was an end of the year thing. A clearing out of things - to do with my sort-off resolutions.

This morning I discovered the reason why I'd been dreaming about them and all i can say is that life is fucking, fucking strange.

But I had lain awake a lot last night grappling with my disgust for myself and my despair and the realisations that only I seem to have about my true nature.

Ends have been tied together now.

My mum could see the real, awful me.

Alain could see the real, awful me.

Ben could see the real, awful me.

And now I just need the courage for what I know I need to do, because the world very truly does not need people like me in it.

I can't spend the rest of my life alone, I just can't. And Rebecca can't spend the rest of her life being influenced by someone like me. She deserves better.

And so last night I arrogantly lay planning today's entry. But I had no need to. Because today, you became that entry and my actions completed their unwitting circle and now I have my answer.

Because you swore at me and you swore at our cathedral and you didn't leave it as a perfect moment in the past and you didn't wish me well when all I have ever done is to wish you happy. And I know it sounds stupid but that has destroyed me.