nevermind
2002-12-09 || 4:56 p.m.

It's definitely safe to say I am extremely pissed off and angry at the moment. So I'm sorry, I am going to have to rant here.

It's been a bloody crap day. Its fucking freezing. I have one fucking jumper - yes that's right, I own ONE jumper. I have no gloves and my fingers are frozen. Oh and just to make myself feel really good I'm also a coward. There was a mouse caught in the mouse trap this morning. I should have killed it. But I didn't because I was too squeamish. How's that for a caring person? Pretty damn crap I'd say. What did I do with it then? Here's a confession - I picked it up, trap and all and put the whole thing in the wheelie bin outside. I'm pretty angry with myself and its too dark to see whether it is still alive or not. Fuck. I really REALLY hate myself.

What else then? Well, Rebecca left her lunch and phone at home this morning so I took them to her school on my way to my literacy co-ordinators meeting. The school were shitty with me to say the least. I told them she had not ate her breakfast; it was sitting by the computer when I got back from walking the dog. I explained that she has an eating problem anyway. Did they care? Did they fuck. Did they give her her lunch? No.

The bus ride home from my meeting made me feel sick and alone. I know its crap and stupid of me but I just wanted to talk to Ben and he won't fucking talk to me. Bastard.

And I still hurt about him and I would say that I don't want to hurt but actually that's not true, because I will never hurt like that again, so in a way I'm glad I hurt.