try to name one thing you like
2002-12-08 || 6:24 p.m.

This is what my life is like these days.

I have to do everything in small steps.

I think that it is because I am not too well mentally at the moment, well at least I hope it is because I am not too well mentally at the moment but secretly I worry that it is just the way I am. I worry that my fate will be to be this pathetic laughed at person.

I think I need to explain.

I wanted to make a cake. I got out the cake tins and greased them, put in greaseproof paper. I weighed the margerine, had taken the eggs out of the 'fridge but then I just felt incredibly tired. So I put the cake tins into the 'fridge, put the margerine back and put the eggs away. I will make the cake tomorrow.

I entertain people generally. That is my role. I make them laugh because I play on my weirdness and my role as 'outsider' in an inclusive sort of way. I tell people that my aim in life is to be the eccentric old woman who lives in a house with a cobweb hanging from the net curtain and the local children cross the road to avoid walking past her house because she is a 'witch'. I tell other people that my aim in life is, through being a teacher, to raise a whole generation in Dartford of grungy children who wear black and listen to strange music.

Really, of course, my aims in life are quite, quite different. I want to be married, to have more children, I want to have a real physical and spiritual connection with another human but I don't actually believe this is possible. But I still hope that I am wrong. I look around and I do see people who seem to have that relationship but then I wonder how much compromise is involved. That's the thing. I don't want to compromise; I want to believe it exists without compromise but of course that's just plain mad.

And so I come back to where I started from.

My fate.

To be a hairy spinster primary school teacher with odd habits and lots of dogs.

Oh fuck!