The Journey - Part XIII
2002-11-24 || 6:51 p.m.

I said I'd keep you all informed all along the way.

Well, it hurts like fucking hell, that's what. Jesus, it hurts. Its wet and burning. And mentally I just feel numb. My sleeves are soaking and actually I'm finding it hard to type. I know, for the next paragraph I'll leave all my typing errors in so you can see what I mean.

My mind is not on this.

So what gavbe me the final push that I needed? Well I can't work at all. I haven't done any school work for three weeks now. I'm going to get the sack that's for sure. Everytime I sit down with it I just start to fall asleep. Really I do. My eyes are so keavy and now I'm deliberately now correcting my typing I'm amking hardly any errors. ha. What the f7uck am I going to do? When I spoke to Ben on Tuesday I thought I'd be devastated once he went. I knew it woould be a one -off but actually I was fine about it. I just felt like I was there fore him when he needed it and that was all we ll and good. Its take to today for me to admit that its affected me. But it has. A great deal. And I'm bakc to square one all over again but this time I'm totally DESTROYED.

but of course I'm not really destroyed because there are some people who know better. Who tell me its all in my mind. Well so fucking what. Does it make a flying fuck of difference if its in my mind or not?

The pain is easing off now. Its just stinging. Yeah, Lillie's right - I'm not fit to be in charge of a child but I DON'T DO THIS ON PURPOSE YOU KNOW.

There is very definitely something wrong with me.

There always was something wrong with you