The Road to Despair
2002-11-24 || 4:57 p.m.

Oh my God. When I was out I could see a crossroads. Just two choices were on it. I thought I knew which one I wanted to take.

Then I came back inside and I started to cry uncontrollably.

Sometimes I get this feeling that somehow, somewhere there are forces impacting on my life and I know not what, who or why they are.

But mostly I think it comes from inside me.

Lots of people tell me I'm too hard on myself but I don't think I'm anywhere near hard enough.

This has been something of an intermission today. I have a feeling that rather than being a chronicle of a journey this may very well be the chronicle of a breakdown. Only time will tell. So it will be fun to see, won't it?

The problem is that I cannot live for nothing. I cannot live purely for others. I need to live for myself too and that is just not happening. I don't know that there can be anything so sad in the whole world as hating yourself. The only people who know I feel this way are the people who read this. No-one that I mix with on a day to day basis or on a social (!) basis know. To them I am the funny one, the good listener, the clever one, the slightly weird one, the capable one. None of them know that I have cracked into a million little pieces inside and I can NEVER EVER be put back together again. None of them know that my heart hasn't been ripped out because my heart actually doesn't exist.

I just don't know how I can get through the rest of my life and that's the truth.