and so tonight to celebrate I will poison myself
2002-11-22 || 7:01 a.m.

I just can't believe that its still not Saturday.

When I woke up Danny Baker was doing his Friday free for all lists and I thought he must have the wrong day but of course it's me that has the wrong day.

I think that anti-clockwise should be clockwise. The hands just seem to go the wrong way on a clock and the numbers are on the wrong sides. I wonder why I think that?

I've lost so much weight that my jeans won't stay up even with a belt now. Rebecca hugged me yesterday and then started to cry at how thin I am.

I've never been thin. I've always been slim but never thin before.

My mind feels like its folding in on me, crashing, imploding whilst all around me everything else is building up. Mess just gets bigger and bigger. My classroom is a mess. My house is a mess. My mind is a mess.

I've done no work at all for a few weeks. I spend my days improvising and guessing.

I can't imagine I'm anywhere near having a breakdown because I wouldn't know would I? I'd be blissfully unaware, surely.

Anyway life would not be that kind. I'd like to be led away, some stranger's arms around me, placed in a bed, meals cooked, questioned as if what I think actually matters.

Yeah, that would be the funny one.

"So tell me, why do you feel the way you do?"

"Shall we talk about your childhood?"

"But how do you actually feel when that happens?"

To think that someone might think my answers to those questions matter.

Hilarious.

Last Saturday after being sneered at when Alain came to collect Rebecca, I spent the whole day doing housework. By Wednesday when he came round again he just had another go at me. This time it was a clever one. He was laughing at my situation. He told me it was his moment of glory seeing me suffering. He said he will enjoy watching me try to make ends meet and never having anything at all. I asked him why he wanted his daughter to live in poverty. He said he would only give me the minimum the law dictates and he will buy everything else Rebecca needs because that way I will always have to say 'no' to her and he will always be able to say 'yes' to her.

This made me feel physically sick.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday I thought what a good thing it was/is. He has been right all along.

So this should be my moment of glory too.

The moment when I sit victor of my destruction.

Victor Ludorum of despair.