but it's always night and there is no moon
2002-11-21 || 6:37 p.m.

I really love Nirvana.

If I could only listen to one band for the rest of my life it would be them.

Even though I love Bright Eyes too.

And Marc.

And The Smiths.

And The Jam.

And Abba.

And The Pixies.

And Ash

And 'If Only' by the Neurotics.

And all I want to do is to disappear. I think I am partway gone already.

Tonight when I was walking home, it was raining, I looked down at my feet the whole time, looking at the leaves and the wet on the pavements. I felt nothing. I didn't feel a person anymore at all. Just a shell.

I was trying to think why it is I feel so bad anyway. And I couldn't think of any reason at all. Because nothing seems to matter.

I began to think that up until now I probably haven't been a sub-human because I've been in pain and pain is human but now ... no pain. At all. Not human.

I could only see the traffic today as potential transport to death. I was mesmerised by it. I looked at the windows in my classroom and wondered if I would die if I jumped out one. Its about a 15' drop and I wasn't sure that would be big enough.

I may be just maimed and then even more of a pain to others.

I don't want to cause anyone any pain at all, ever. But I was thinking about this late, late last night. I thought if I never, ever do anything at all again. Never go out, never talk to people, never write emails, I will still hurt people because some people WILL be upset however much I would hate to admit that. Rebecca would be upset and so would my parents. I feel so damn sorry for my parents. All those years having to try to get what exactly it is that is wrong with me.

Because it IS me that is wrong. it just is. Whatever others say.

I was trying to think why it is I feel I've had a bad childhood but I couldn't think of anything at all. Just the tongue.

And the soap.

And the being told you were never wanted. Being told you were only here because she had no choice, because when she met dad, women got married and had children and that was the way it was.

And constantly being asked why it was you were nice until you were 3 and then you became someone nasty. A child that was a problem.

I never understood in what way I was a problem. But of course I was. Aloof, distant, cold, jealous, terribly terribly jealous.

And then I couldn't learn to tell the time either. I still can't fucking tell the time on an analogue clock. Still can't.

I'm mostly ok but then there are times when I just get so confused. The numbers jump around. They make no sense.

A metaphor for me.