Give us little love from your hearts
2002-10-31 || 8:59 p.m.

Oh dear. Things are not good.

Its not really worth going into masses of boring detail here but financially my life is looking pretty fucking messy. And the ultimate deal is eventually I will be homeless.

Its a total fucker.

Oh God, I know I have no-one to blame but myself: I have just SO made the wrong decisions over the years.

What can I say? All I can do is try to move forward and make the best of it. I don't know. The worst of it is, that should Rebecca want to go to university, she just won't be able to, because we will just not be able to afford it. What a fucking shit parent I turned out to be.

Earlier on I was pondering my situation and thinking how easy it would be to be bitter and angry at Alain because I do feel to a certain extent that it seems grossly unfair that I can be abused for so many years by him and although I know that it was ME who let him get away with it, now I stand to lose my home. I then thought, well I just have to make sure that I behave in a way that I can live with. And then for the first time ever I wondered if that was the right thing to think. Suddenly I thought in different terms. I always think in a wide way, a sort of 'my place in an infinite universe' way. Suddenly I thought 'what if there is only this?'

But then I decided that either way, its still best to live as best as you can, to try to do the right thing because it just feels right.

And there, in that paragraph above, you can see just how truly inarticulate I can be. Especially when it matters.

So I will pick a 'Marc' title, because at this moment, that just may help.