I decide to procrastinate
2002-10-31 || 1:24 p.m.

I love words. I wish I could write beautifully like others can. I feel very lacking in lots of things when I think about the way I write. I want to write in words so utterly lovely that they take your breath away but I am just not talented like that.

I am reading a book.

It was the book I bought yesterday. The words and ideas fit perfectly together. It is a book that is supposed to amaze and uplift but it is having the opposite effect on me and depressing me. Why am I so arrogant that even in reading I have to have a singularly individual approach and reaction?

I'm becoming scared that my apathy is killing me. Really killing me. I want to experience life but I just CANNOT BE BOTHERED.

I don't want to be someone who wakes up, showers, eats breakfast, goes to work, smiles and hides herself, comes home, eats, sleeps.

But I am.

Inside my head I have other things but that just kills me too.

That kills me because they are NOT REAL. ...and never will be...

Fuck that. and also, how do you make it real? How do you get the things that you want? That is, if the things that you want are not material things, which in my case they are not. Material possessions do not figure highly in my life plan. I want things that are more real and lasting than that. You know, this is just a rhetorical question really because I do already know the answer, or the answer given. A sort of 'as you sow, so shall you reap' type of thing. But is it actions or thoughts that make things real? I have plenty of thoughts and is not the world composed of thoughts? Are not actions just the outward signs of thoughts? How come my thoughts are not enough?

Now maybe I will email this to the author of the so-called uplifting book.

I do want to live but all around me are things that just make me want to die.