Oh well, enough said
2002-10-22 || 6:59 a.m.

Sorry, I get the sack from cookerytips.diaryland.com. I forgot the butter in yesterday's entry about 'how to make a Georgian carrot cake'. Dumbo. Well, I don't use butter because (Hey! another cookery tip!) I don't eat cows stuff, I use dairy free spread, and it works just as well with that.

I may change the content now away from cookery and onto suicidewatch.diaryland.com, maybe.

So, how do I feel today? Pretty damn crap. But very calm. I feel very calm.

But of course all this is just emotional wanking. I cannot kill myself. Rebecca would be devastated and so would the kids at school. Well, no, they would not be devastated but it would not be fair to inflict something like that onto them at a young age. I wonder what they would tell them? That I got sick and died? Although Dartford is quite a big town, still people know people who know other people, so they would find out the truth.

Its so hard to explain. I want to die but I only want to die on my own terms. I don't want to get sick and die. Talk about utter selfishness.

I just ate grapefruit. Apparently they lower your blood pressure. Well, that's what the doctor told my dad on Friday anyway because his blood pressure was up. I reckon it is fruit of a certain family probably rather than grapefruit per se but ... lets see if I can do death by low blood pressure.

Then I ate half a slice of wholemeal bread, toasted, with lime marmelade which slid off the toast and fell onto Rebecca's offspring T-shirt which I wore in bed last night, my pyjamas still being wet.

It is a wet, grim morning here and I am on playground duty today! yay!

I can't remember what I dreamt last night, but I need to go because it is getting late.

There are three people I like very much in the world. Thank you Tasmin for your kindness to me always and thank you Lillie and Lizzie for yours too. I really appreciate it.

Damn, I am an arse.