shit
2002-10-17 || 9:07 p.m.

I feel abandoned, isolated, totally alone. I have all these thoughts in my head but they cannot connect with the nothingness that is me. These things, they all make perfect sense, they scratch at the surface of things I try to grasp but fundamentally they make no sense because I just cannot be.

I cannot make sense of how I fit into anything, because I am nothing. Or is that it? Am I the 'nothing' to balance out the other 'thing'. The other 'thing' being all other people.

I just feel terrible. I feel a total sham. Totally and utterly.

I sat there tonight, talking to parents, trying with some, to convince them of the way I work, the way I feel, the things I believe such as not burdening my kids with homework. Such as trying to make my classroom fun. What have we done today? Well, we are all journalists for the next two weeks. I have turned my yellow group, red group etc into yellow newsdesk, red newsdesk. In maths we are doing money, so I got loads of catalogues and gave them a budget of �100 to learn how to spend, calculate. They could buy anything they wanted.

But I feel like a massive waste of space because I am apart. Its all just a pretence. I have NOTHING inside me. Nothing at all. I'm like a hollow chocolate easter egg, only you wouldn't even want to lick me.

I'd just be that plastic bit you get inside a kinder egg, holding nothing and good only for littering up the planet.

Fuck, I feel terrible and I have no right to. I am nothing. Nothing should feel nothing.

And Oh God, what if I inadvertently said something tonight that will get one of my kids into trouble at home? Parents can be so fucking volatile. Shit, I hate my job sometimes.