Drain me
2002-10-16 || 6:49 p.m.

I want to walk outside and keep walking. Eventually I will come to a place and I will just know it is the right place. There I will lie down. I will look up at the stars and just howl. Then I will stop, get up, go home and return to reality.

I've been thinking about the relevance of numbers. What are numbers and what do they mean? I've also starting reading. I have lots of questions in my head at the moment but they may be answered in a while. What I wonder is the significance of the number 12 and the number 3. The fact that if you are working out numerology you do it by writing down your date of birth and adding the numbers together until you get to a single digit. If you add 12 (ie 1+2) you get 3 which is a really universally relevant number. Why is that? Also I'm thinking about pairs, twos, opposites: Complimentary and contrasting. Do all belief systems have a holy trinity? I don't know yet but I hope to know pretty soon.

So why am I thinking about this? Because it matters. Because it really matters, more than we care to think. Because I wonder why I know it matters. But I do. I just do. I always have, that's the strange thing. There are truths somewhere. I think so.

Tonight Alain came round. I am still being nice. I can't be any other way. He asked me for a telephone number so I gave it to him, I also let him use the phone. I took the dog out to give him and Rebecca some time together. I came back to find he was filling a bag with stuff. That does not bother me. On the sofa were a baseball bat and a rounders bat. I asked him what he was doing with them. He said he might need them. I asked was he likely to be asked to a baseball game then? (Stupid thing to say, why am I always so stupid and dangerous to myself?) He said, 'no' he might need them for a fight.

I think he was trying to freak me out.

Well, it worked.

Bludgeoned to death. Yes, that would just about suit me.

I'd have all the time in the world to work out the significance of numbers then, wouldn't I?

Why am I such a giant wanker?

If I had one of those mood things it would say:

I feel so pathetic