Give me some place that I can go, where I don't have to justify myself
2002-10-05 || 3:33 p.m.

Hey! What's the point of someone like me having dreams? I'm talking dreams when asleep here. Not hopes and dreams, hell I stopped having those years ago.

I feel something today that I have never felt in my life before.

I feel ashamed.

I am ashamed of being poor. How fucking awful of me. What a self-centred bitch I am.

I've been cleaning my bathroom and kitchen. In my bathroom everything, even the 'Mr Muscle damp and mildew cleaner' is covered in black damp. The lino is so old its coming away and is folding up. The radiator is rusting.

In the kitchen I am trying to wash the floor. Everytime the mop hits the wall great big chunks of plaster fall off and powder lands on the lino. Isn't it called having lost its 'key' or something when that happens?

The carpet in my front room is covered in dog hair and stains. It doesn't matter how much I hoover it, it just looks awful.

My kitchen units are falling to bits. My bathroom window is rotting.

I'm embarrassed.

Rebecca's friends don't like to come round here because they told her it was 'too small'. They also mentioned our lack of playstation.

This makes me feel lots of things. Firstly, I feel guilty. Secondly, I feel sorry for them because they obviously don't know any better. Thirdly, I think its good that they don't know any better because obviously their lives are not financally challenged. Fourthly, I just wish that we were not judged on our material possessions because everytime I will be judged and found to be lacking.

I wish there was just a small bit of beauty in my life. My dog is becoming vicious. Tulip is already the rabbit bruiser from hell. Mango is so shy she shakes if I touch her. Rebecca just finds me and our home totally embarrassing and spends as much time as possible elsewhere.

It's so selfish of me, I know that, but I just want a piece of beauty or kindness that is for me, not gained through living through someone else.