Here the shadows make things ugly an effect quite undesirable
2002-10-05 || 9:07 p.m.

Oh well, third entry today. Still here boring you all. My day has got worse since my last entry. I find that Rebecca turned the freezer off two days ago. I feel really bad. I had a go at her and she must feel crap. So now, not only do I have a house that is falling down around me, I have no food either! What a laugh eh?

I had no right to inflict this life on a child. What a total bastard I am. Poor cow. Fancy being saddled with me. Its been like this all her life. I shouldn't have been silly enough to get pregnant in the first place. You know, there's so many things I shouldn't have done. Alain hit me when I was pregnant. On the stairs. Why did I just put up with it?

When I take the dog out, on one of my routes I walk past this house where some Plymouth Brethren live. You cannot convert to the Plymouth Brethren, you have to be born into them. I wish I had been born into something like that sometimes. You know, they would just HAVE to like you wouldn't they? People would have to care. So you don't get to watch TV or go on a computer. Big deal. There's so much more to life than those things really. Or at least there could be. Mind you, of course you can get thrown out of the Plymouth Brethren. No prizes for guessing what would have happened to me had I been born into it then.

When I was small, at home, I always used to like sleeping in the playroom. It had a sort of strange feel to it. So did the room below it. There was something not quite nice about those two rooms. The main reason why I liked sleeping in the playroom was because it had a chimney breast in it and I liked the sound of the wind blowing down it on a cold winter night.

I'm glad its coming up for winter again, it suits my mood.

The playroom had this wonderful 1960's wallpaper on the walls. Sort of brown and pink diamonds. I used to spend a lot of time looking out at our back garden and the houses in the distance. I remember when we decorated it my dad insisted we take off all the wallpaper and there were loads and loads of other old wallpapers underneath. I wonder how many decades back they went?

I remember as a teenager lying in the room below which was our dining room but also my dad's music room. I was playing the first Smiths album and it was on 'Suffer the Children'. I suddenly had this vision of violence in that room. Of someone standing behind me who was totally malevolent. It freaked me out. I jumped up and switched the light on. I never went in there listening to music again.

I just wonder where it all went. I hate how pathetic I am. You know, I don't even really know who I am. Not at all. Is any of what I say true at all? Isn't it funny how many things/experiences there are that go to make us all up. How does that happen? I can't make sense of any of it. Why do some totally normal things stick in your mind? I remember sitting on the bunk beds reading an annual about the names of wild plants. I remember reading about digitalis and the death cap mushroom. I also remember reading the brochure my parents got from Australia House. There were all these wonderful modern houses in there, some of them on stilts. Fuck. How I wanted to live in a house on stilts. I wonder if I'd still be the same fucked up person I am today if we had've gone to Perth. This is really silly but when I was a kid I always thought if I lived in a modern house I'd be different. I'd fit in. I used to love those 1970's houses.

My dream last night was very strange. I just have this feeling that everything is going to come crashing down in on me. Like things have not got anywhere near as bad yet as they will do.

I am a terrible person.