All you need is love
2002-09-11 || 7:05 p.m.

I used to be really worried about dying in the night. I mean really worried. It would stop me falling asleep. How many adults do you know that will get so scared that they have to sleep with the light on sometimes? I also used to be really worried about dying alone. About having to live on my own, about no-one caring for me, making my own meals, nowhere to go at Christmas - stuff like that.

Today it ceased to bother me. I finally understood that this is my destiny. That this is what will happen to me.

One day I will die alone, in the night and probably I will lie undiscovered for days. It doesn't matter because I don't matter.

Today Alain sent me a text message that said 'you are a good looking woman, stop hating yourself and be positive'. I wish he had said I was a nice person, not a good looking woman. There's no point in being good looking if you're not nice is there?

I'm unlocking my diary. Call me irresponsible. Hopefully the novelty has worn off for Alain's family now, if not then they should find better things to do with their time anyway.

As to Rebecca. How can I change the relationship status? She said to me today that she needs to know how I'm feeling. She hates being shut out. And that's how she feels - she feels shut out.

I was watching the news tonight and pretty obviously the majority of it was coverage of the anniversay of Sept. 11th. They showed part of a service held at St Paul's in London today. The service began with the American national anthem. Am I the only person in the western world who was thinking, 'fuck that, fuck your stupid fucking national anthems. Its national anthems that cause all this crap in the first place'?

The service ended with the British national anthem. Again, fuck that.

Don't sing national anthems. They have no merit. They are divisive and false. They divide us, which is what the corridors of power want. If its going to be 'us and them' then let it be 'us and them' workers and those in power. Fight against those who would exploit us, fight against those who would divide us, who would demonise groups of people. Don't fight other nations. They are people just the same as you and I. No different. Its true.

We all want the same things.

You know, Christ had one thing right when he said the most important thing in the world was love.

But its also the hardest.

But try for fuck's sake. We have to try.