Private hell
2002-05-26 || 9:57 p.m.

you know, there really cannot be any such place as hell. Nowhere could be as bad (or worse) than here.

I am a sinner of the totally worst kind. I suffer from the sin of hopelessness. Apparently this is the worst sin you can commit. Straight to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect �200.

You know, I never really understood this. If you have no hope, you feel lost, empty, why is this a sin? How can you punish someone who has already been punished enough?

I keep thinking about the maisonette we lived in when I was small. I remember running up and down the back garden whilst the radio played. I remember getting up really early in the summer and playing outside in my sandpit. I remember how nasty I was to my sister. I remember pushing her so hard she fell through the bottom of her pram. I used to make her stand up when she was still a baby and watch her fall over. What a bitch. I was so jealous my mother took me to the doctor.

Is this instant(ish) karma?

I remember vaguely playing ball with my aunt who was killed. You know, I can't even remember her name. Its not something anyone in my family ever talks about.

I didn't even notice she had gone.

I was only two though.

I remember being so scared of the Doctor Who music that I hid behind the sofa (really!) I still can't stand it to this day. It wasn't the programme that scared me, just the music. There's a rogue note in there somewhere.

I remember having to go to bed really early and hearing all the other children in the street still outside playing. I used to read instead. My favourite stories were, 'The dog who went to sea' and that fairy story about the girl with twelve (?) brothers who were all turned into swans for some reason.

I also liked Rapunzel. You know, I quite blame Rapunzel for my romanticism. Not as much as I blame all those teenage mags tho'.

Funnily enough when I was a punk model in the photo stories I never got the guy.

I always had to be the strange one he fell in love with, who rejected him and then he noticed the girl who had been faithful to him all along and dumped the punk bitch!

Oh how fiction mirrors life.