Four grey walls and four grey towers
2006-05-04 || 10:42 a.m.

I just wish I could laugh heartily at everthing that is happening at the moment but all I can do is hate myself even more, if that is possible. Being alone all the time just compounds how despairing I feel and I just wish that I wasn't constantly useless and worthless. But I am and I always will be and I am losing hope that doing good by others is enough to redress this. I suppose it means that others get some good out of me but I am so crushed, so battered inside that I don't know how much longer I am going to be good for. What I mean is, I don't know how much longer I can carry on before I just die of a broken heart. Because I cannot put into any words the absolute desolation I feel, the total brutality of my situation, it just goes from worse to worse. And there is no way out of any of it, no way to make anything better. It's like I exist in a series of locked rooms and occasionally I awake in a different locked room and I just deal with what that room has to offer. Every time something happens I think "well, that's it, that's the final nail in the coffin that is me" and yet there is always another nail being lined up to be hammered, point sharpened, directly into my soul. And I am so scared of what the next one will be because I know what it could be and I cannot bear to think of it for even one second.

I can't even say that I wish for anything because I don't know that I do. I just feel like a trapped, frightened animal. And everyone is tired of me.