read this whilst drinking a cup of tea
2006-02-22 || 6:17 a.m.

I hardly slept a wink last night. I am utter, utter scum. There are no words that can describe how foul and worthless I am. It's this screwy fucking perception of time that I have that allows me to see the depths of my utter worthlessness and that makes me sad. I'm tired of being able to see everything all at the same time. I'm tired of all the understandings that I have because they don't make things better. They just serve to illustrate what a freak I am and how utterly removed from humanity I am. I am scum. I am the absence of humanity. The absence of light. Somehow I have always been able to see the whole picture and being able to see the whole picture has always meant I am able to see the utter pointlessness of my existence. And this is not some pychosis talking. I am not on medication. Nor do I need to be. This is real. And the proof is the freak that I am. Because I am one of those people who KNOW things. I am one of those people who SEE things. I am one of those people spinning outside of the sphere. And usually it is okay because usually I can just while away my dumb existence with good deeds of a sort. But the irony is, I am human too. And this kind of knowledge. This step away from real people. This knowing you are forever scum, hurts. It hurts real bad. So much so, that today I don't think I can stand it. I just can't stand always knowing stuff. It's like the biggest burden ever. Somehow, somewhere, no-one sprinkled the fucking drowsy dust over me and I am getting what I deserve.