so odd
2005-05-11 || 9:10 a.m.

I do so love bits of old film. Which is really odd as I always say I dislike watching films. But I love old film. Old real film. Snapshots of someone else's life. I'd like to be a film historian. Maybe painstakingly restoring film. Hour after hour, never wanting to stop for a break. Or I'd like to use film as a source for a historical dissertation. I don't know what on though, that's the thing. I mean I loved it when I did my final dissertation on propaganda and I got to watch lots of film, British and German and listen to lots of radio shows and look at progaganda posters. Now there's an idea for heaven, just a giant propaganda poster. For a communist country trying to avoid the spiritual there's a heavenly other-wordly element to the Russian posters.

But maybe one day I will be able to do that. Maybe once Bex is doing her own thing and I don't have to worry about earning money to look after her. Although if she wants to stay forever that would be fine but not ideal, not for her, she needs to move on and live.

And so I could maybe find a Masters programme which involved film. And then I can live forever in other ages, coming out just occasionally to greet this time I seem to exist in. Because I think that's mainly why I like history so much. I can just disappear. Its full of 'what if's'. I find it stimulates my imagination.

If I could define my absolute essence in one way, I'd say I am just the non-existent stars on the church roof and the burning disappointment that charlotte felt.