i don't care if it's old
2003-08-05 || 3:35 p.m.

So I once again have a health hazard free bathroom. Its kind of satisfying cleaning even if you are dumb and pick the hottest day of the year to do it. Sometimes I think that if I could just keep my house clean and tidy and in some sort of order then maybe the chaos inside me would cease. But its hard to keep tidy. I have to have myself stated everywhere. I have to have fairy lights, candles and throws draped everywhere. I have to have a million and one sparkly things to look at. I like to just lie on the sofa and dream in that alternative reality where I would far rather live. I have to have my walls cluttered with pictures in no discernible symmetrical order so it resembles the Royal Academy. I need books around in piles so I can pick them up and smell them and feel the covers.

And its all the weirdest thing when you know that you are nothing more than the smallest ripple and the reality of this is no more real than the dreams I prefer.