waste of space etc
2003-07-24 || 9:37 a.m.

The mice are back.

This time they are in my bedroom.

I can see my chances of ever sleeping again fading away. Vermin in my house, in my bedroom, that's me for sure.

I went to bed at nine o'clock last night. I was so tired. I haven't been able to sleep for a couple of weeks. I must have fallen asleep around 11 o'clock. I was woken at 3am by Bex asking if she could have some water. I could hear a rustling. I turned on the light and saw something run across the bedroom floor. I knew it was a mouse but thought 'oh fuck it, why should I have the right to sleep in a vermin free house anyway? plenty of other people around the world sleep in those sort of conditions. What gives me the right to expect anything different?' Bex asked if it was a mouse. So I lied. She tried to reassure herself. Said to me if it had have been a mouse she would have heard it scrabbling and squeaking. And right on cue, it obliged. Squeak fucking city.

So we moved into Bex's bedroom where no-one has slept since the last mouse night back in March or thereabouts. I'd only just hoovered up the remains of the poison from that room last night. Isn't it the oddest thing how you just know some things? I finally fell asleep around 6am after hearing the brother and sister two doors up go to their cleaning job. I was woken at 8 by the car revver from hell. 52 fucking minutes he revved his car for. And at 9.09am I got up and rang the Council. Thankfully the mouse man can come tomorrow.

But it doesn't help with the awful mess that my house is in. And I have no-one to help me. I am still unwell and even showering exhausts me.

So why on earth did I even for one moment think about going to the doctor and getting any sort of help for the way I feel? It would truly be better if I just ceased to exist. I am a total waste of even the small amount of space I take up. I cannot provide a safe, clean place for my daughter to grow up in. I cannot work a full-time job and keep my house clean. I cannot have any sort of relationship with anyone because there is no-one in the world who would want me.

So what is the point?