back on the journey
2003-06-29 || 10:54 a.m.

I can't remember what the weather was like that day but I'm pretty sure it was the summer holidays. I was ready early and he picked me up and we drove out to unfamiliar yet nearby places. It seemed quite exciting to start with. I was higher up in the traffic than I had ever been before, I felt in some stupid way, slightly important. Whilst he was driving he reached around behind and pulled out a wooden box. He told me to sit on the box.

Now, in my experience adults usually said stuff like 'tidy the playroom', 'if you do that one more time you're not going to that party', 'go to the shop and buy 3lb of potatoes' or 'because I say so'. They didn't usually say stuff like 'come and sit on this box because then you will be closer to me'.

And I was feeling uncomfortable.

But I sat on the box, it seemed like it would be impolite not too, especially as he had gone to so much trouble to hoist it out from the back whilst having to negotiate traffic at the same time.

So I sat on the box and he was touching me and I was just thinking, 'oh well, eventually I'll be home again'. Then he pulled over. And he was kissing me and touching me and I thought that maybe it was time I was not there.

And afterwards he told me to move. He seemed angry with me. We stopped at the shop around the corner from my house and he told me to go and buy myself some sweets. He gave me 50p. I remember walking into the shop and feeling like I must be in a film. I kept expecting people to jump out and yell 'cut' and 'what a wonderful performance darling'. But there was just me seemingly floating in some strange remoteness and other solid people around me.

And here's the strange thing. I remember bumping into Penny - my aunt - in the shop, talking to her, showing her the sweets and the money.

But that never happened. I'm sure of it.

And I got back into the van. He asked me why I wasn't eating my sweets, so I unwrapped one because it seemed that, as a kid, that is what I should be doing. I was uncomfortable because I didn't know what to do with the money, so I offered it to him. He told me to keep it and then, as we pulled up outside my house, gave me another 50p too.

And I went inside with a totally different face on and I hid the money and the rest of the sweets.