I need to lose my self-identity
2003-06-16 || 7:10 p.m.

Well this will be something of a more prosaic entry.

I've kept my mind right off things today. I got up at 6am, got everything ready, breakfasts, lunches, walked the dog and I got to school by 8am. My class got our assembly planned out mostly - we are doing one on 'colour and how it has inspired poets and musicians'. Really it's just an excuse for me to do something with 'What is Pink' by Christina Rossetti just because I love her so fucking much. Its that poem she wrote about the withered tree in winter - I mean that's not the one I'm doing for my assembly! I do have some sense of what is acceptable, but I love her because she had so much passion and so few chances. And then of course I'm going to do a music and dance thing to 'Ride a White Swan'. So that will be fun.

And I stayed calm and focused all day long. I'm forgetting more and more about my scars. No-one has said a word.

After school I sorted all my Maths tests, got them all marked and into order for the gap analysis on Wednesday evening and then I marked half of my reading tests, so I've just got the other half to do after school tomorrow. I'm feeling a bit happier about my results now.

Between them the dog and one of the rabbits have managed to break another rabbit bowl. The dog came in hanging his head, so I'm blaming him.

So now its time to get dinner. I feel bad for being such a neglectful mother. Tonight we are having an omlette and salad, freshly squeezed orange juice and strawberries and cream. I think that's a nice summer dinner.

After that I will walk the dog, feed the animals, water the plants and remember what I promised the goddess.

I don't feel so much like I want to die today. Sometimes I truly feel black and nothing else but today I feel more like the death card in a tarot deck: I want a change. I want the death of this old, awful stuff and the birth of something new and good. I think its knowing that I will never have that type of death that is so painful.

And so I made some decisions of the type I always make when I'm on an upswing. I have to focus just on what I have, I have to love Bex and the animals and my plants, my friends and the children at school and care for all of them, and I have to keep doing this and keep doing this until the day I run out of energy and get to disappear.

And like the buddhists I have to stop wanting because wanting causes suffering. If I want nothing, I will not suffer.

I must try to remember this.

But in order to stop wanting I have to stop dreaming and dreams are all I have ever had.